The Jas Says. . .

Today is going to be dedicated to learning more voice stuff. I can hardly wait. I would love to post the diagram of a voice network that I made yesterday, but I don’t know if that would violate my company’s big secrecy laws; I don’t know how much of this is standard stuff and how much of the terminology is ours. But the only reason I would post it anyways is so that everyone can share in just how much confusion I’m feeling right now. And let’s be honest: no one cares except me. I can live with that.

In other work-related news, today is “Mismatch Day” of spirit week. Oh, how I longed to come in dressed as Alicia Silverstone, but I wouldn’t exactly know how to pull that off. I’d have to explain the outfit all day and plus dressing as a divorce lawyer would kind of negate the whole reason of playing along in the first place, which is to have a casual day. Instead I mismatched my earrings. Both of my ears are triple-pierced and I put a different earring in each one. So devious of me. I participated and therefore got to dress casually, but I don’t have to walk around looking like an idiot who can’t dress herself.

Last night I played Wind Waker for awhile, then we decided to go check out the new Subway that our town finally got. (Obscure and only slightly relevant fact: I once worked at a Subway) So we cruise three blocks to this happening fast food joint and place our orders. The lady who was helping us (if you can call it that) was not exactly the sharpest knife in the utensil tray. First of all, she had none of the bread I wanted. This ALWAYS annoys me. Bake the damn bread! You can see when you’re getting low, make more! Christ. She had no Honey Oat and no Wheat. Then, she asked me if I wanted my Subway Melt heated or not. Now, is it just me, or does the name “Subway MELT” indicate that at some point heat enters into the equation somewhere? So I gave her the “Bitch, you crazy” look and said “Yes, I’d like that heated”. So, she slaps my sandwich together with the meat on one side and the cheese on the other laying directly on the bread and sticks it in the microwave. At this point I had to take a quick walk around the store to stop from killing her. Why would you place the cheese directly on the bread and not over top of the meat so that everything MELTS together the way the name of the stupid sandwich indicates that it should? EVERY Subway I’ve ever been to puts the cheese on top of the meat and then heats it but this lady apparently thought that I would like my cheese melted directly into my bread so as to not be able to taste it at all. The final straw is that she made us buy a 21 ounce drink to take advantage of the “After 4″ discount, and then charged us full price for our stuff anyways.

Needless to say, I did not enjoy my Subway experience as much as I thought I would. I wanted to jump behind the counter and make not only our stuff, but also help the three lost souls who had wandered in after us and had been waiting for 10 minutes while the stupid Subway lady figured out the complex art of sandwich making.

Important discovery made this morning: The World’s Worst Web Cam^TM takes slightly better pictures when using natural light. In the morning time, light comes in the window that my computer faces, so I can play with the exposure a bit more and get a less fuzzy and (slightly) more detailed picture.

Look, you can tell that my eyes are blue!

[Begin Disclaimer] I probably should have locked this entry because it’s just a whine-fest, but I didn’t. Please don’t think this is directed at you because it’s not. Sometimes I just need to get things off my chest and since this is my journal I figure it’s a good place to do that. [End Disclaimer]

In this episode we join our heroine as she once again deals with issues about her appearance and how other people feel about her. Nothing exciting will happen as our heroine internalizes her struggle in an effort to appear less whiny and to thwart her friends from once again rolling their eyes and telling her to “Shut UP, you look great.”

Yeah. I swing back and forth a lot about the way I look and how other people perceive me.

I don’t know when this started or what caused it. For as long as I can remember, I have been overly concerned with the image that I project to other people. I’ve always wanted to be the one that everyone loved in that “she’s so nice and pretty!” kind of way, but as I’ve grown up I’ve had to settle for being the sarcastic one, the funny one, the loud one, the bitch. It’s just how I am. I can’t really make myself be the nice one because I don’t know how to act like that all the time. I am the one who loves to crack wise. I like to make people laugh, but I tend to overdo and be a bit too forward-pushing and loud. Then I feel like a schmuck. I’m alternately wanting to be in the spotlight and wanting to be self-effacing because I’m afraid that I’m acting like a attention-grabber. It’s so conflicting.

To make the whole thing even worse is that I am horribly shy around people I’ve just met or haven’t spent a lot of time with. I blush with the slightest provocation and I mean I BLUSH. My whole face turns a lovely shade of tomato red and its not like I can hide it. It just happens.

What this all comes down to is that I have an overstrong need for positive affirmation. It’s annoying. It’s something I’ve been trying to break myself of by forcing myself to think “If they don’t like it, to hell with them” or “Well, The Man thinks I’m beautiful and that’s all that matters.” but the reality of the situation is that those things don’t work for me. I probably should have invested in therapy already but again, why should I waste someone’s time and my money dealing with a problem as stupid as this?

Most of the time, this doesn’t even really affect my life because I spend 90% of my waking hours surrounded by people who I have known for years and I know like me for who I am. It’s the rare time, when I meet a new person, when I’m sitting in a classroom full of strangers, when someone sends an e-mail saying that I’m pretty or funny or whatever . . . these are the times that trigger this fear in me and make me overanalyze my every move and word and nuance of my appearance. It’s those times that make me focus on my flaws instead of my assets. Those times that make me feel like I’m a fraud, or I’m pulling off some elaborate stunt on everyone.

The Man says I have a hard time dealing with compliments, and he’s right. I do. Giving me a compliment about how I look is the easiest way to get me to blush and stammer. Logically I know I should just smile and say “Thank you” gracefully but it’s hard to do that when your mind is racing, trying to figure out if this person is sincere or if they are joking or if they are trying to suck up for some unknown reason. Especially when I don’t agree with them most of the time. When someone says “You look really good” to me I liken it to telling a catatonic that they’re an interesting conversationalist. The two things are mutually exclusive.

I’ve just depressed myself with all of this talk. I think I’d better go read the voice textbook for awhile.

My whole head is full of telephony terms. On Net vs. Unbundled Loop vs. Type 2 and what is an IXC POP and so on. Owie.

But I kind of understand it now.

It’s kind of annoying when I post something very personal in my journal and I get a bunch of comedians in my comments section. Like ha ha, very funny guys. Glad I can make you laugh.

One of my cats has been acting a little off for the past couple of days. She still eats and stuff but she no longer wants to have her belly rubbed (snapped at me when I tried) and her tail is emphatically DOWN. This is a cat whose tail has been laid across her back for as long as I’ve owned her. It’s disconcerting to see her walking around with her tail just hanging down. I’m debating taking her to the vet, but what should I tell them? “The cat’s tail is down! Something must be wrong!” I have a feeling I’ll be paying $60 for someone to laugh at me if I take her in.