Dec 03 2007

These statements have not been validated.

Published by at 1:27 pm under Stupidity

I go to bed pretty late, so when I’m catching my late night television, I see a lot of products whose “claims have not been validated by the Food and Drug Administration”. Mostly these fall into two camps: weight loss and sexual enhancement. I guess no one wants to advertise a treatment for schizophrenia whose claims have not been validated by the FDA. Can you imagine that? “This is Bob. Bob used to run around hearing voices in his head and killing his neighbors with a hacksaw. But Bob called Schizlite for his free trial and now he’s a functional member of society with a much less frightened wife at home.”

Anyway, I was watching Ace of Cakes or something the other night, and an ad came on for a drug called Lipozene. This drug is supposed to melt away your body fat without any effort from you. Seriously – you don’t have to change your eating habits or exercise more – this pill does it all. This is not an unusual kind of claim for these late-night medical products to make, so I was kind of half-assed paying attention until I heard the spokeswoman blurt out this brilliant scientific fact: “Body fat forms on the midsection, over the muscle and under the skin.” No shit! Now they had my attention. This commercial just became prime entertainment. I mean, I wanted to see if perhaps there was some fine print at the bottom of the screen that said “If your body fat forms on top of your skin, this may be a sign of a serious medical condition. Consult your physician. Also, ew.”

I was very glad I had made the choice to watch closely, because the very next screen was one of those stupid graphics that supposed to show how the drug works. You know, outline of a body superimposed over a graph-paper background. Body fat drawn on in yellow over stomach, butt, and legs. All perfectly normal until next to the body appeared a cartoon of an enormous gel-cap type pill. It was as big as the body outline. The pill slowly opened up, and the powder medicine sprayed out in a cloud, attacking the body outline. The “fat” on the body outline melted away under the relentless assault from outside medical forces. The word at the bottom of the screen read: “DRAMATIZATION”.

Oh. My. God.

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