May 18 2006

Cue the cellos of sadness.

Published by at 10:45 pm under Introspection

Before anyone (else) freaks out, this entry is in no way related to the state of my marriage. My marriage is A-OK. Thanks.

One of my favorite quotes from My So-Called Life is: “This life has been a test. If this had been an actual life, you would have received actual instructions on where to go and what to do.”

Sometimes, when things are over, it’s hard to understand why. When you didn’t do anything wrong, that you know of. When there was no warning. Sometimes, I guess, you just have to accept that this is the way things are, and do your best to move on. That doesn’t make it any less hard. In a way, it makes it harder because there is no big, dramatic closure. There’s no blood, no tears, no fury, no anything. Just a quiet absence of something that used to be, and is no longer.

Maybe I’m feeling this way because I’ve had two beers, and only two beers, so I’m in that introspective, woe-is-me, “so here is the end of all things” kind of mood. Maybe I feel this way because I’ve had two beers and it’s allowed me to admit things to myself that I haven’t wanted to admit before.

On the other hand, I have a picture of purple proto-pinecones, to remind me that there is still something absurd in the world, to help fill the hole of the something-that-was that used to give me so much stupid happiness.

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